I've been restless, under the surface, for so long. I've been itching for something and it feels like all this shit is spinning around me and none of it has direction, except that it's spinning, or at least, making me feel like it. Maybe I'm the one who's spinning. I don't know.

I wanna fuck something up. I want to screw my life away and sell my soul for fifty cents because that's way better than a thousand bucks for a kiss. I want to set fire to something, something real, substantial. Something I can hearseetaste. Something bigger than a stupid fucking regret. Something that I'll miss. Something that I won't miss. Maybe that's my teenager hormones driving me wild. Maybe that's from being stuck in a home both filled and void of love. Maybe that's because I constantly get the underwhelming sense of being alone. Empty. And I want it to fucking burn.

Yeah. So, currently, I'm pretty upset. And you know what? I have to fucking pour it all out in a dA journal because it's the only way I can protect my neutrality in the situation.

My best friend was raped.
My best friend was fucking raped.
And her now ex-boyfriend is being a total douche about it.
So now I have to comfort her.
And hear the entire fucking story (which I really can't handle.)
All the while thinking what an asshole he's been (and he also happened to be a good friend of mine, until all this.)
And now, selfish as it is, all I wanna do is sob.
I really wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow.
I have no desire to hear his bitching about how his ex-girlfriend cheated on him.
I have no desire to see her so upset.
I have absolutely no desire to do anything right now except drive by myself to somewhere far away.

It would be nice to run away from all this shit.

I feel like updating things on my life, if only for my own good. =]

Things are... strange, right now. Very strange. It's warmer, which is good. I'm coming out of my shell and doing the things I used to love to do, again. That's good. Even so, I guess that very naive stupid part of me resists being happy with all of its might. I still feel... numb, a lot of the time. My feelings for a lot of people have changed lately, and things about myself have changed, too.

Sometimes I really really hope I'm going back to the person I used to be. The one who cared about her image and laughed with the ones she loved, and wasn't a depressed bitch. I want to be the person who didn't get so ingrained into other people's drama. I want to be "that one girl who makes all that noise with her shoes" again.

On the other hand, she was outrageously naive. It was her fault I'm the person I am today. It's not other people's, it's hers. She dug this great gaping hole by understanding too much of the wrong things and not enough of the right ones. It's her fault for being obsessive and doing the many and various stupid things she's done.

But that's digression, and probably needs to be written down on a sheet of paper like all my other personal rants.

I had an empathy attack this morning, and missed school. I'm feeling more and more sensitive as the months go by, which is both awesome and worrisome. I felt so dissociated this morning that my grandmother actually told me to stay home, despite how much school I've missed this year. It was scary. o.o

And.. back to people. I'm feeling lonely again. But now, instead of feeling lonely because I'm shutting people out, it's really just a matter of circumstances that are out of my control. =/ I guess I've been spoiled the last few years with my friends. I'll deal, though. I need more independence in my life, anyways.

I'm driving now. It feels absolutely wonderful. The only thing I have the brainspace to focus on is the road, and I don't have to over analyze all the things going on around me. My only wish is that I could find more activities that did that.

Speaking of activities, I hope to be able to post actual pictures of recent projects, soon. I'm uploading a few sketches for you in the next couple days, Snidget! And my nymph costume has been completely revamped. I'm making it the centerpiece of my (new) portfolio.

I have the urge to say "fuck you" to a lot of people, lately, but I think I'm keeping that under check. Brownie points for me!!

/randomness

So, there's a high possibility that I am indeed going to London this summer (June-ish?).
It started out as a random joke with my grandmother, and today we just went to the travel agency to look at ticket prices.

It weirds me out, in a way. It seems totally out of the blue, and months away to actually think about. o.0

So yeah. I have to put that out there for the world to know. And in the event that anyone has been there, are there any places I should make sure to check out? I've got ten days to fill.